How do I live?

"Without you

There'd be no sun in my sky

There would be no love in my life

There'd be no world left for me

And I, well baby, I don't know what I would do

I'd be lost if I lost you

If you ever leave

Well, baby you would take away everything

Real in my life

And tell me now

How do I live without you

I want to know

How do I breathe without you

If you ever go

How do I ever, ever survive

How do I, how do I, oh how do I live"

It has been 10 months since I lost Joshua, and 2-and-a-half months since Caleb started uni. I didn't know how I would cope in an empty house, and so I kind of "ran away" after leaving Caleb in Scotland.

I sold my car and my club membership back home in Malaysia, and I took on a Worldpacker experience in a quiet town in Ireland, where in exchange for housekeeping and cleaning chores at a guesthouse, I am provided lodging and meals.

I had already been in self-isolation since Joshua's death and I wanted to continue to do so - what better way than in a remote place where nobody knows me.

It had started out as I had imagined: Waking up early for breakfast, followed by chores of the day, be it cleaning, ironing, gardening - whatever that needed to be done - and ending with a nice homecooked meal by Elizabeth, the owner of the guesthouse, before heading to bed. Elizabeth and I would have casual chats about Caleb and his uni life; she knows I lost Joshua earlier in the year, but not much more than that.

Never did I expect for Elizabeth to be so passionate about sharing the Irish culture and way of life, and so I was made to step out of my self-isolation mode when she brought me around town (and beyond) to introduce me to the local community and Irish traditional music "seisiúns". It was strange to be amongst people after being alone for so long, but it did feel ok.

One night, Elizabeth invited a few close friends over to the house for dinner, and asked me to join. Five of us were sat at the dinner table, the way my parents, my boys and I had done in the past. I listened to their conversations and smiled at their candour, until a topic popped up about a recent demise of their friend, similar to that of Joshua. I couldn't breathe and excused myself from the table.

I spent the rest of the night in my room back in mental, emotional and physical pain - validating why self-isolation was good after all. I'm not ready to be with people.

The next morning, I apologised to Elizabeth for having so rudely left the dinner table the night before. She was kind, caring and full of empathy. I ended up opening up to her about Joshua, more than I have to anybody. It was painful to talk about it, but it did feel ok. The neighbourhood priest, one of the dinner guests that night, came by a couple of days later to check on me, and I opened up to him, too, about Joshua and my grief.

There is something about Elizabeth and Father Paddy - I don't know exactly what it is - that made me comfortable enough to talk about what happened to Joshua, and what happened to me. Maybe it's because they are "strangers" - but that can't be it, as I couldn't open up to my grief therapist in the sessions I attended. To this day, I believe that Elizabeth and Father Paddy are Godsent, and me being in Monaghan was meant to be.

I actually had two Worldpacker offers, one with Elizabeth at her guesthouse and the other doing content creation and social media for a farm. The second was definitely more up my alley, but Elizabeth had reached out to me first, barely half a day earlier than the other - and so I went with her.

I had never expected, or wanted to, open up about my grief and about Joshua, but for some reason or other, I did with Elizabeth and Father Paddy, and that has played a big part in my grief journey.

Joshua would have loved them; he would have loved Monaghan. I could picture it so vividly, Joshua with me here. I even had days in Monaghan where I actually felt ok. I felt well enough to stop taking my anti-depressants.

Then it was time for me to come back to Malaysia after 6 weeks in Monaghan. Don't get me wrong - I was happy to be back in the house Joshua loved so much. His bedroom is exactly the way he left it, and I can almost smell him when I'm in it.

And then one day, I crashed. It was exactly 9 months since I lost Joshua. When I opened my eyes that morning, the pain I felt was indescribable, and I had an anxiety attack. I hadn't had one in a very long time. Once the attack passed, I went to see my psychiatrist. He told me that I shouldn't have gone off my medication so abruptly, and put me on double the dosage I was on previously.

That was 1 month ago. I did not have another anxiety attack since then, but I now feel numb. I spend a lot of time now just staring into space. I no longer feel the pain, but I don't feel anything at all.

Which brings me back to: How do I live without you, Joshua?

Photos taken at sunrise in Club Med Bintan on August 28, 2023.