"We don't get over it.
We don't move on.
We don't go through five stages and all of a sudden, we're good.
This is not how grief works."
I have lost a son; and in time, I will learn to live a life without him and move forward the best I can. But please, don't tell me how to grieve, or how long to grieve for.
I have chosen to grieve in solitude since Joshua's death six weeks ago.
Three weeks ago, I chose to seek medical professional medical help as the already-unbearable pain that is consuming me was not getting any less - it was getting worse. My online support group members explained to me from their experiences, that this would happen as the shock from the devastating tragedy fades, and the real pain sets in.
So if I seem to be in a darker state of despair now, just let me be, and let me grieve.
With medication, my panic and anxiety attacks have significantly reduced. I am doing my best to avoid the "could have, would have, should have done" thoughts - but the times when I do slip into those moments, they are dark. When I try to come head-on with those thoughts instead of letting them seep slowly in at uncontrollable times, my controlled panic attacks take over.
I am going to God for strength; I am going to my online support group for comfort; I am going to the medical professionals for therapy and medication. This is how I'm handling my grief.
Yesterday, we installed the plaque at Joshua's niche.
Joshua loved God and tennis very much, and so we placed a cross and one of the tennis balls he used for coaching together with his urn and ashes.
Joshua loved his grandparents very much too, and is now at rest with them.
Till we meet again in Heaven, Joshua, you will always be in our hearts
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
- Matthew 5:4