Exactly 3 weeks ago, my world shattered when Joshua died. Since then, I have spiraled into great despair that no one can begin to comprehend unless they have been in the same situation too.
I found an online support group for people just like me, who sadly are all living the same nightmare. This group provides a safe environment for people to share their experiences, and deepest thoughts and emotions.
Here, everyone leans on each other for comfort and support. Here, I am allowed to grieve the way I want, to vent, to lament - and I'm never judged because everyone understands.
Here, I take heed to the group's advice, as they have all gone through what I am going through now:
To journal my feelings and thoughts, some of which I share here on my blog. This has helped me quite a bit as I am unable to talk about what and how I am feeling to anyone.
To read books that have helped others cope. I have finished one, and am midway through another. It is taking longer than normal for me to read due to the brain fog I have, but what I have read and understood so far, has helped somewhat.
And the biggest step, to seek professional medical help.
Seeking professional medical help for myself was the last thing on my mind, but I acknowledge the fact that my younger son, Caleb, needs a functioning mother - and I haven't been that for him since Joshua's death.
With that in mind, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday, and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If left untreated, PTSD could (if it hasn't already) lead to depression. I was prescribed medication and therapy - both of which I did not want.
However, if I were to continue on the way I have been for the last 3 weeks, I was told that I may suffer memory lapses and loss (which I have started to experience), and worst case scenario - early dementia.
I never want to lose my memories of Joshua, and I do want to be a good mother for Caleb - and so I decided to fully commit to the treatment plan.
I don't know what's to come, but for the moment, I'm just trying to cope hour by hour, day by day.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
- Matthew 6:34