It has been 11 excruciatingly painful days since Joshua's death, where Caleb and I have been struggling with our unanswered questions to God - Why did You let this happen? Why now?
After dropping Caleb to school for his exams this morning (as he said he isn't in the right state of mind to drive), I thought I should take a break from my routine of rushing home to weep in solitude in Joshua's room. I decided to go for a walk - and I wish I hadn't.
Joshua and I used to walk, jog and run together. The emptiness I felt as I walked down the road where Joshua and I used to walk together quickly turned to a painful vice-like grip around my heart. I couldn't breathe, and I had to stop and cry.
I am now back in Joshua's room with the same questions to God. A member of the online support group I have joined recommended a book for me to read: When God doesn't answer your prayer by Jerry Sittser. I have just started reading this on Kindle, and I'm hoping it will help me with the struggles I am facing.
I caught the sunrise on my walk this morning, and it brought back a memory from a holiday the boys and I had last year, where I had woken both of them up at 5am in the morning to catch the sunrise. It was beautiful, and we sat together to watch the different hues of gold, orange and pink streak the sky, and its reflection on the sea. (Photos taken on 28th August, 2023 at Club Med Bintan)
My sunrises will now forever be grey.
1 LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint; heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in deep anguish. How long, LORD, how long?
4 Turn, LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.
5 Among the dead no one proclaims your name. Who praises you from the grave?
6 I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.
7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.
8 Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping.
9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish; they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.