Ever since Joshua's death, I bounce from periods of numbness, void of emotion to moments of pain and anguish. I am trying to read books that have been recommended to me, but I find it is taking longer than it should with the brain fog I have. I can't seem to focus or concentrate, or remember much about anything, and my mind automatically wanders back to Joshua - of when he was young and carefree, and of our serious talks and his silly antics, and of our recent holidays together... and the night of his death.
The night of his death - I can never unsee what I saw, and every time I get a flashback of that night, my chest tightens and I find it difficult to breathe. It's not just emotional pain, but I feel the pain physically too. I want to throw up; I want to scream; I want to cry.
I now can no longer drive around the area where Joshua died, and I have to plan my driving route to avoid the area. I can no longer go to places I've been with Joshua. I tried going for a walk, but ended up breaking down and crying as I miss him so much, and I can't believe he's not by my side now and will never be, as we used to walk together. I can no longer eat at places Joshua and I frequent - in fact, I have no desire to eat, and I do just a meal a day now, and I do not eat food that Joshua used to love.
I have been in isolation since Joshua's death, not wanting to meet friends and family, as I do not want to hear words of condolences, and I myself have no words to share in return. I just want to grieve in solitude.
The pain isn't getting better, it's getting worse.
I'm living a nightmare - one that I can never wake up from.
I love you, Joshua, so very much. And I don't know how to live my life without you.