The phrase "it takes a village" is primarily used to convey the message that it takes many people to provide a safe environment for children, where they are given the security they need to develop and flourish, and to be able to realise their hopes and dreams.
Yesterday, I found "my village" in those who have reached out and given me the assurance that it is safe for me to share my pain and sorrow, and to grieve. And I thank you all for that.
When I lost Joshua 4 months ago, I was (and still am) in a place so dark, the terms "peace" and "comfort" make no sense, and there is nothing anyone can say that can bring me any form of peace or comfort. I have been in isolation since Joshua's death, and writing has been my only outlet as I am unable to express my feelings and emotions any other way. My blog took a turn from being inspirational to one centred around depression. I am now incapable of helping others find peace and comfort, as those no longer exist in my world.
When I used to write my blogs, I had always thought of the reader, and of the inspirational message I wanted them to take away. When I write my blogs now, there really are no thoughts; it's just raw emotion. So when I was told to "stop sharing if you want to continue to dwell in self-pity or stay depressed", I guess it made sense to stop, as it no longer served the purpose that I had intended for my blog years ago.
I did not expect to receive the number of messages and words of encouragement to continue writing from so many people after my would-have-been last post yesterday. Because of your messages, I do feel safe enough to continue sharing my grief journey, knowing it's ok to not be ok. And because of your messages, I am able to end my blog differently today - with a bible verse, like I used to in earlier posts.
The verse I have chosen comes from the eleventh chapter of Numbers, where Moses had reached his breaking point and even asked God to kill him because the strain was so great upon him (Numbers 11:15). God responds with a solution for Moses to no longer have to bear the burden by himself.
Numbers 11:17b (New International Version)
"They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone."
The family photo at the top of the page was taken on 18th July 2020, about a month+ before I lost my mum to cancer. I find it hard to grasp how we have gone from 5 to 2 in less than 4 years. Harder still is grasping a life without Joshua. For now, I'm just taking it hour by hour, day by day.
Always loved, never forgotten, forever missed.
Joshua Tan Peng Boon
January 1, 2005 - January 25, 2024
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